Taking Things Into Your Own Hands | Vol. 4 / No. 16.5

Photo: Zappy’s Technology Solutions, CC BY 2.0

This week, Elle has a suggestion for a new bill, in light of the ongoing attacks on women’s bodily autonomy in America.


Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet Congress:

Since legislating bodies has become so popular, I figured I’d give it a try. The following is the argument for a bill, HB 800, which is consistent with my closely held religious beliefs that I made up today. (That’s how it works, right?) It represents my deep and true commitment to preserving life, and is in no way a transparent attempt to legislate men’s sexuality and bodies.*

HB 800 will require any heterosexual or bisexual man in a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman (or women, you know how men get) to get written permission from his romantic and sexual partner(s) before masturbating, watching pornography, or holding their penis for longer than the requisite two or fewer shakes following a release of urine. It will also require that a man report the name of any sexual partners to his doctor before performing any of these acts, and will also allow a woman to file for maternity rights for any potential lives that are in danger of being, shall we say, “rubbed out.”

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet Congress (but who am I kidding, I’m only talking to the ladies. Why in God’s name would we let a man have any say in what was happening to his body? That’s just madness.),

I understand that you might find it extreme to require a man to obtain written permission from his romantic and sexual partner(s) before such personal acts. However, I feel as if your objections reveal an inherent misunderstanding about the bill, and the purpose of the male body. You see, I believe that for too long, women have not been included in the discussion regarding the emission of sperm. We have assumed that it is a man’s right to decide where and how to utilize his sperm, because the sperm is part of his body. But a man’s body is only his own so long as he is not engaging in any behavior that could potentially lead to the creation of life. I understand that they feel that it is their body, but they’re really… how shall I say it… hosts… for the sperm that resides within them. And if you know you’re going to be in a relationship and you know that your emissions of sperm could be used to create life then you should… well, pre-know that, and take precautions, and don’t come. I mean, they sell… devices… to prevent emission at all sorts of adult stores and online. Men have access to all of this, and it’s on their heads if they have an emission. And if you think about it, a sperm is basically a tadpole. I mean, they’re both alive, and they’re both kind of wiggly with a bigger blob at the head. And if you kill the sperm it can never turn into a baby. Just like if you kill a tadpole it can never turn into a frog. (I think. That’s how it works, right? My school taught Creationism, aka, “Jesus’ Science.” I’m not too sure on all these “biological processes.”)

So that’s how I see things. A man’s body is his body as long as he is responsible. But after he is irresponsible and does something to waste the life-giving sperm that is in his body, then they shouldn’t claim that they can just do what they want with this precious fluid when the men are the hosts and they invited that in. Men have to start being much more responsible for their choices, and women deserve to have a say in their partners’ decisions regarding their bodies when there is the slightest chance that the men might be making a decision the women don’t like. That’s only right.

Some people might point out that this represents a danger to men who are in abusive relationships where they don’t really have full control over their sexual activities or their partner’s decisions to procreate, men who were raped, and men who are liberal with their bodies and may not keep track of the contact information for each and every sexual partner they have. To those people I respond by saying that men should look at all potential life as a gift, no matter the circumstances, that if it’s a “legitimate” rape the male body has ways of shutting that down, and that promiscuous men should see this as a wake-up call to change their ways. Again, men have to become much more responsible for their choices, and for the potential individuals to which they are a host. If women are supposed to see their potential to create life as a burden and a punishment, why shouldn’t men?


Thank you for your time.


Elle Irise

Representing District-What-Number-Even-Matters-We-Gerrymandered-That-Shit-So-Good-I’m-Getting-Elected-Every-Term


Note: *I was in no way serious about any of this. If you think this all sounds freaking ridiculous, you’re goddamn right, it does.


Elle Irise is a regular contributor to This Week In Tomorrow. When she’s not trying desperately to illustrate the self-parodying nature of the Republican-led war on women’s bodily autonomy, she studies gender in popular culture.


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